Absolute
by IDair
Summary: "Do you think that if you and I had intercourse, it would be awkward?" Sheldon's found Penny's battery operated chew toy. Things spin out of control after that. One shot set right after 6x19 The closet reconfiguration. M rated for good reasons!


**Title: **Absolute

**Summary: **_"Do you think that if you and I had intercourse, it would be awkward?"_ Sheldon's found Penny's battery operated chew toy. Things spin out of control after that.

**Timeline: **AU right after 6x19

**Main Characters:** Sheldon Cooper, Penny

**Disclaimer: **The Big Bang Theory is _not_ mine.

**M rated alert! After all, with that ending scene how could it **_**not**_** be? If you're under aged or simply, if you don't like it, please stay away.**

"Give it to me." Penny says resolutely as she holds out her hand, her cheeks slowly turning red.

"Why? Do you want to keep it? Did you develop some sort of emotional attachment to it?" Sheldon lifts up the _object_ in his hands, bringing it closer to his face to examine it.

"It's a chew toy, if you're not going to get a dog anytime soon, you should give it to someone who has one, or maybe to a kennel."

Penny breathes through her nose, repressing the urgency to choke him with her bare hands and, this way, to put an end to the most _embarrassing_ moment of her life.

"That is _not_ a dog chew toy, you _idiot_!" she shouts finally, her patience shuttering like glass on the ground. Sheldon takes a step back.

"There's no need to _yell_" he says slightly offended "I have a Master's and two PhDs, if there's an idiot between us, it's _certainly_ not me." Penny's eyes flash up dangerously.

And when he _still_ doesn't give the dildo back to her, she takes it from his hands along with the bag hanging on his arm and shoves it down a lot more forcefully than necessary. Sheldon frowns, deeply confused. "What is it, then?" he asks as innocently as he masters.

Penny swallows, feeling the sweat wetting her forehand. "It's a…" she stammers.

If she doesn't tell him right now he's gonna figure it out sooner or later. He's still a _genius_ after all (even if sometimes he doesn't look like one at all).

But yeah, later is better. _Much_ later is better. When he'll _maybe_ read it on that book they gave him and she won't be standing right in front of him, ready to burn up in flames.

Sheldon waits expectantly. "It's a…vibrator!" she blasts out abruptly before she can stops herself. She puts a hand on her mouth, shocked.

"A vibrator?" he repeats puzzled "What are you doing with a... _oh_" he realizes suddenly. "Yeah, o_h._" she mocks him. She sighs deeply and then passes a hand through her hair and she starts marching toward her bedroom. "Where the hell did you even find it? I told you you could clean my closet, not stick your nose around!"

Sheldon follows right after her. "I do _not_ stick around! For you information, your vibrator was _in_ the closet." Penny opens frustratingly her closet and turns around. "No, it wasn't. I keep it hidden in a box under..."she trails off, suddenly remembering something. She moved it the last time she used it, not so long ago. And she put it _in_ her closet.

"Dammit!" she curses and then throws randomly the bag inside the closet and pushes it close again.

Sheldon looks down at his feet for a second, and then fixes his eyes on hers. "So, I have to deduce Leonard is still not able to sexually satisfy you?"

"_What?_" Penny's voice is nothing but a high pitched strangled sound.

Sheldon just blinks. "Well, since you need to use a battery operating toy with the shape of a male genital organ to satisfy your sexual appetite, I can only assume Leonard _still_ can't please you."

Penny feels like dying.

Of embarrassment, of course (physiologically impossible, _my_ _ass_!). She's so mortified that she can't even find the strength to deny it, to scream that he got it absolutely _all_ wrong. When she manages to speak again, the last words she would imagine come out of her mouth.

"W-what do you mean _still_?" "Well, the first time you had coitus it was disappointing, from what I remember Leonard said your words were…" he pauses to think about them.

And finally, the anger comes back to her and heats her entire body. "I _know_ what my words were, Sheldon!" Penny shouts. "And that doesn't matter anyway. We didn't know each other on that level then, we didn't know what the other wanted or liked. And we were _friends_ and that makes everything weirder."

"So you're saying you think friendship has a negative influence on getting a sexual satisfactory encounter?" Wasn't it enough that he found her vibrator, he has to ask her all those personal questions about _sex_? She hesitates for a second.

"Well, yes." she says "Especially the first time you get physical with somebody that until the days before you didn't consider under that aspect." Sheldon stares at her.

Then out of the blue, he says "You should engage in coitus with _me_ first, to absolutely state that. Do you think if we had intercourse, it would be awkward?"

Penny forgets to blink for like two minutes.

She must have caught some sort of disease that affected her hearing in the past ten minutes because there was _no way_ Sheldon Cooper just said _that_. No _freaking_ way.

She clears her voice. "Excuse me, what did you just say?"

"You should engage in coitus with _me_ first, to absolutely state that friendship influences negatively your possibility of getting a satisfactory sexual encounter on the first time." he repeats blankly.

Penny's eyes widen impossibly.

"Where the _hell_ does that come from?" her voice raising up instantly again.

He shrugs like nothing could be more obvious."Well, it's just a simple observation deduced by facts. Our circle of friends is quite little. Since with Raj you've already kind of tested the hypothesis and I can confirm it was pretty awkward for _any_ of us, (Leonard put his Alanis Morrisette's songs up all night right after that), I'm the only one left you should engage in coitus with, before you can _openly_ state that friendship negatively influences your chance of having a satisfactory intercourse on the first time. Because that would be based on the real experience you had until this moment." He pauses for a second.

"Well, _technically_, you should sleep with me _and_ Howard, but since he's now married and even before, you never seems interested in his advances, which, as I recall, _horrified_ you, I can easily count him out." Sheldon nods agreeably.

Penny's ready to tell him he was being _completely_ out of line (out of _mind_! And if he'd disagree it was time for him to be tested _again_) but word fails her and he starts his monologue again.

"That, if you suppose you've already slept with _every_ single male friend you had since you became sexually active, and found the experience awkward on the first time. I'm not quite familiar with your other male friends, although knowing _you_, that could be a good assumption." Penny's mouth opens and then closes rapidly. Her brain barely registers his not quite veiled insult.

"But if you want to be more precise, you'll have to count how many friends you had among all the men you slept with and then confirm that your first time with any of them was awkward. It wouldn't take long since I've already done the math for you once. As I recall it was…"

She listens to him going on and on (about numbers and Aristotle's logic and the correct way to formulate rational inferences, and _God_'s knows what else) until her head almost hurts and she can't hear his voice anymore. His words carry her away like a whirlwind.

"…so only after that, you can state that, in your opinion, which is now supported by facts, a previous friendship with your partner influence for the worst the success of the sexual encounter, especially the first time."

"Penny?" he calls. Penny has to blink several times because her vision is blurry.

"You still didn't answer my question." Sheldon licks his lips. "Do you think if you and I had intercourse, it would be awkward?"

Penny, astonished that her head hasn't already exploded, opens her mouth but just a resigned sigh escapes it.

"Yes, Sheldon. I _think_ if you and I had intercourse it would be _awkward_ to say at least." One of these days that guy would have drive her crazy _for good_.

"Not that you have to worry about it _ever_ happening!" she screams sarcastically because she can stand it, stand _him_, anymore and soon she sees something passes through his face and hardening his features. Was it _hurt_, maybe? She can't really tell. It goes as fast as it came.

The impulse to ask her _why_ comes to his mind but Sheldon shoves it away quickly. The feeling of being not good enough, even if it's _only_ for her to pick him as a sexual partner, nauseates him.

"Has Leonard tried to satisfied you at all?" he asks instead, returning on _that _other subject and making her wish he was still blabbing over and over (about how _bizarre_ it was that human brain might not find arousing being previously close on a emotional level with a potential partner you could be close on a physical level).

"What?" She gasps, feeling like she's not able to say a different word to him that night. She just can't believe _he_'s still talking about her sex life. And all the _crazy_ stuff he said before? _Unbelievable_! Really, unbelievable!

"You said that the first time you had coitus with Leonard wasn't that good. Has he, at least, _tried_ to improve in pleasing you over the years?"

_What the hell_? _This is any of your business!_ She wants to yell, but the heat burns up on her cheeks, making her feeling feverish and suddenly her head spins.

"Sheldon I _really_..." she turns around to grab a shirt, a top, a sock, _whatever_, that laid in a chaotic mess on her bed and she quickly pushes it into her closet "…don't wanna talk about this with you" she finishes, facing him again. The words come out of her mouth, leaving an odd feeling. Not that she could hope it would ever feel normal with him.

"Is this conversation making you uncomfortable?" he asks.

Is he _kidding_ her? She felt uncomfortable since the moment he stepped into his apartment claiming he'd found a battery operated _chew toy_ in her closet.

"Of course it's making me uncomfortable, can you…" she stops mid-sentence. Suddenly, a distant memory fills her mind. They were in the same apartment, _her_ apartment, but in a different room. Just the two of them, her, wearing one of her favorite t shirts, a bright coral one, him, sitting on her couch, diet coke in hand, asking her about friends with benefits. _("Can you?" "Excuse me?""Are you able to have sex with men without developing an emotional attachment?") _

"... Tell?" she finishes, almost breathless and watches his eyes sparkle with a soft grin.

Sheldon was sincerely clueless about her vibrator and only scientifically pragmatic in asking her questions about coitus, but he was_ aware _that the last sentences of their conversation felt like déjà vu and he played along deliberately.

As odd as it may be seemed, he liked déjà vu. He found the phenomenon... _fascinating_.

After a long pause he speaks again. "I can tell _now_. Or at least, I think I can. After six years, I still believe I haven't collected enough data. Plenty of times, you change your facial expression and bodily language so fast it's impossible for me to tell." he says "What I did notice though, is that your eyes widen. Your eyebrows rise up on your forehand, where exactly two wrinkles take form, your cheeks turn slightly red, but it would imperceptible to perceive it if your interlocutor is not at least fifty centimeters from you, you mouth hang open, your upper lip twists a little to the left, your voice rise up of a tone or two, the variation depends on the level of your discomfort, you have the need to step back if you're standing or stand up if you're sitting down and you have to look for something near to busy your hands with, like opening the fridge and grabbing a bottle, or tossing your clothes in the closet… like you just did a moment ago." He finishes, his voice ending uncharacteristically on a lower, soft note.

Penny stands in front of him, speechless.

Sheldon made her feel that way many times since she met him. Especially at first, she found herself completely flabbergasted by the crazy ways his brain worked (his _singularity_) and the crazy number of words he used when he tried to explain himself to her and failed miserably (his _knowledge_). She knew he observed the world around him carefully and paid attention to every details (she told him his anal precision on organizing everything in his life from his comic books to his clothes, was neurotic so many times she lost the count, and every time he replied that the only thing that's _neurotic_ was her constant denial of the universe's order), but she never expected him to pay attention to… _her_.

Not this closely, anyhow. Not like she's a subject he's studied devotedly (like math, not _physics_, she knows she could never compare to physics), not like she's… _important_.

And just like that, she throws herself into his arms and kisses him. Because, _seriously_, he's the one who held her dildo in his hands and then basically suggested she should have sex with _him_.

When her mouth crushes down on his, his lips are already parted.

* * *

Penny has no idea how she ended up on her bed, laying on her back without her panties and with Sheldon's hand under her dress. Right _between_ her legs. (Well, she technically knows _how_, she had thrown herself unceremoniously on the bed, dragging Sheldon on top of her, never stop kissing him).

She thought she had just two drinks at the party. Or maybe they were _four_. She can't remember. In that moment, she feels like she can't even remember the brand of the shoes she bought just yesterday. All she knows is that he was babbling about Leonard's and her sexual life and then he said all those things he'd noticed about her and then… his finger brushes against her clitoris suddenly. She gasps. "Tell me how to do this" he whispers, his lips pressed against her neck, right under her ear, and she doesn't need to remember _anything_ anymore. Except how to guide the movements of his fingers inside of her.

She's just come apart under his fingers. (Under his _whole_ _body_ if you want to be specific, one of her hands gripping his hair, his shoulder, the other tightening on his wrist, pleading him to move faster, faster, faster). She still feels a little dizzy. But she's sure of seeing a shred of reason lighting in her mind, when she speaks.

"We should go back at your apartment. It's been a while since we left."

Yes. Yes. Everything is gonna be _fine_. She can _make_ this fine. She can still put her panties on and he can knot back his tie (if he'd find it on the chaos of her bedroom's floor where she threw it minutes ago). They can come back to the apartment, where there are other people, where they aren't alone, talking about dildos and sex and doing _that_. They can forget (well, _she_ can, he has an eidetic memory) about that evening ever happening and save what was left of their friendship.

"Yeah, we should." Sheldon nods, but his body stays still. With his eyes close, as if he's in some kind of a trance, he kneels up on the bed. "We should go back" he repeats slowly. His voice barely recognizable.

Maybe Penny wasn't sure _she_ was totally sober, but Sheldon must have drunk something _for_ _sure_. (That would explain _so_ much.) Not only because he kissed her back and _touched_ her (his fingers could really do something, and not only with a marker. She'd suspected it in the back of her mind since the time he assembled Penny Blossoms with her) but because there was no way he actually wanted to go back to his apartment like _that_. There was _no way_, he hadn't realized what happened to his groin. The material of his pants was so stretched that Penny swore she could see the seams stressing out.

She is tempt to lean over, lower her head and takes him in her mouth. Right _then_, right _there_. Sucking _Sheldon Cooper_ off. A way like another to end that night with a _bang_.

She rises on her elbows and looks up at his face, waiting for him to come to his senses (to _freak_ _out already_) and storm into the bathroom to sanitize himself. But instead, he just keeps standing there, knelt on the bed in front of her with his eyes close.

And suddenly, Penny knows he's not going to move. _Nothing_ will ever move the same way. She'd crossed a line the moment she told him about her dildo. If she came to that point, the only thing she has left to do is to go all the way. So she sits on her knees, coming face to face with the impressive bulge on the front of his pants. She unzips his pants and pulls them down just as much as she can free him. She places her palm on him and Sheldon finally opens his eyes.

Deep agony mixed to something else, something unreadable on him like… lust, flutter on his eyes the seconds she meets them. She touches him slowly through the fabric of his briefs, her fingers traveling all the way up to his length. Sheldon purrs literally and his eyes shut close again.

A blowjob the first time he engaged in sexual activities is too much for him to handle. Sheldon might not have acted like one yet, but Penny _knew_ he was still _a_ _little_ bit of germophobe.

When she finally pulls down his underwear and takes him in her hand, he's exactly _everything_ she thought he was. Long, proportioned, extremely _hard_. She moves her wrist, looking up at him to find some indications he's appreciating what she's doing. But Sheldon doesn't make a sound, his eyebrows frown deeply on his forehead like he's straining himself unbearably. She doesn't stop her movements, just slows them down until his hips bucks up into her hand on their own. She glances at him again, the corner of her lips lifting up in a self-satisfied smile. Suddenly, his breath races up and her hand follows it. She keeps her eyes focused on his face. He looks like he's on the verge of losing his balance and falling down any moment.

He feels an unexpected force growing up inside of him with every stroke of Penny's hand. He feels himself being pulled toward a single, distinct direction. He feels himself gasping for air and not finding it. He feels himself shaking, shaking, shaking and then…"No" he cries abruptly, grabbing her wrist and showing her hand away. Penny freezes.

For interminable seconds she thinks she ruined everything. She ruined _him_. The horror doesn't have time to kick in that he speaks again. "I want to have intercourse" he says, still out of breath. Penny's still not able to make a move. "I want to have intercourse… with you" he repeated low. His eyes looking down at hers.

Relief and then… _anticipation_ slowly fill her body. He takes her hand, the one she's just touched him with. "_Please_" he whispers, his voice grave and shaking like she's never heard it. He lowers his head to brush his lips on hers. If she'd ever tried to say no, her protest would have died right on his mouth.

They lay down again, _kissing_ again. "Do you have a prophylactic?" he asks, raising his face "In the nightstand." She answers, but he doesn't make a move to go get them. He places his forehead on her shoulder instead, dropping a kiss on her skin. "I'll take them" she says, slipping from under him and walking barefoot towards the opposite nightstand. She opens the drawer and her hands search blindly over the mess of clothes until she finds them. Her fingers shake for a second over the package.

She rolls a condom off of him. "The length is quite impressive" Sheldon murmurs. Penny looks up at him, stunned. "What?" she breathes. He sees her blushing, even in the semidarkness of the room, like he caught her doing something she shouldn't. "The length of your _vibrator_" he specifies "I noticed it's quite impressive." She purses her lip. _Of course_. That was Sheldon Cooper's new idea of _dirty_ talk.

"Did you know scientists have affirmed that the dimensions of the male genital organ has not a physiological influence on the female's probabilities to reach orgasm?" "Yeah, I must have read that somewhere" she tells him laying down on the bed again and pulling him on top of her, her legs spread open to accommodate his hips."So…" he clears his throat "Is a _prominent_ length your particular sexual preference?"

Right there, she feels the desire to slap him in the face (not for the first time that evening) for his naively impudence. "No, I don't particularly care about the length…" she answers instead, her fingers slipping down between their bodies to grip his erection. "Even though I can assure you, you have _nothing_ to worry about" she adds, grasping him more firmly, pleased only when she hears him moaning her name. Just after a light glittered in his eyes.

He slips inside of her smoothly, she's so, so _damn_ wet. For a long moment he doesn't do anything and she's too overwhelmed by the sensation of feeling him inside of her that she can't give him any directions. Not that she thinks he hadn't figure it out already, his know-it-all voice now echoes in her head definitely too often for her liking ("_I'm quite aware of the way humans usually reproduce…"_), but he's never _done_ this before, after all.

"Move" she whispers. He looks into her eyes, light blue burning out into her pupils, as he slowly thrusts into her. And then he does it again, and again. And he finds what he never knew was looking for. A perfect pace, a tempo that makes his head fly and his body spin out of control like nothing else ever did. He pants harder and harder and then groans, rough and sharp, as he reaches the nucleus of his universe. As he reaches _her_.

She makes him leave soon, because it's a real _miracle_ anybody (_Leonard, Amy_) has already checked on them.

She steps into the kitchen to pour herself a glass. It shatters to the floor before she can even think about filling it with wine.

He doesn't tell her he waits outside her door, listening to her crying for three _entire _minutes, before he walks back into his apartment.

* * *

She avoids him in the next days (that turn into _weeks_, that turn into _months_). It's quite easy for her to do so even if she's dating his best friend (_still_) and she lives in same building as his, because he avoids her just as well.

The guilt comes only later. _Too_ later. When Leonard kisses her cheek and says goodnight after they've been at the movies, and says no when she invites him in. Because he promised Sheldon he'd brought him to the train museum the day after, and with the schedule he planned (to make sure they'll have the complete tour) he's going to have to wake up before dawn.

When one afternoon, Amy shows up at her door with the most excited smile she's ever saw on her face to tell Sheldon asked her to go with him to a scientific convention in L.A. The conference is two day long, so they're gonna stay in a hotel. Separate beds, but _same_ room.

Amy _still_ doesn't know. Penny wonders how Sheldon could keep that secret from her and from Leonard for so long without breaking down. Maybe it had to do with the fact that she'd _already_ broken him that night. She stole what Amy has been waiting for him to give her for… years. She stole his _virginity_.

Not that it hadn't been consensual, but she knew she should have stopped his crazy demand right away like she'd always done. She should have stopped herself and she hadn't. She _stole_ his virginity. And it was an easy thing for her to do. He said the words and she obeyed.

Somehow, in that moment, (she obviously couldn't think straight) she saw in his eyes the answer to the question that never left the back of her mind in six years: _how would it be?_ _How would his hands touch her? How would his mouth kiss her? How would his hips move against hers? How would his eyes roll when he'll come apart? _Now she knew all of that in the most accurate, _burning_ way.

And she was doomed forever.

* * *

**Writing Sheldon in a sexual contest is **_**the**_** real challenge. This was just an experiment I had to make. **

**I wanna thank everybody who read it till the end. **


End file.
